The ugly truth

Today I would like to confess a very ugly part of me, few years ago I actually thought I was somehow rather a saint due to this particular character of mine. Then, over the years, especially last couple of years, I realised that I was an idiot. Who would have imagined that I'd be writing this now right?

So yeah, I'm actually guilty of making certain people in my life as my priority and ending up in disappointment. Those people whom I have taken to be my family and where I consider their problems as mine & actually go all out to help them out. I might be bias when I'm saying this, cause those individuals are not in my life anymore, maybe the disappointment had made me speak in such manner. I might not have written this post, if they were still in my life. But when I say I've gone all out, I've done my best to make them happy and cheerful in order to forget their painful past.

I'm not sure whether this is my weakness or advantage, but if you're going through a hard time in your life, first of all I'd start by feeling for you and then eventually making your problems mine. This is where exactly the problems starts and eventually camps up in my life too! You know what hurts the most? Cause I'll be with this people at their very worst, but when I'm at my worst, no one ever shows up. Funny isn't it? Then I came to realisation that, I don't quite have real friends or those whom I consider to be my friend is just isn't real. Those whom I regard as family, don't look at me in such way, maybe it was just the play of words. Well, that reminds me how powerful word can be. That's why its often said that, words a sharper than swords cause it can kill people faster and further without any scars.

I had realised that I should focus on those, who have always been there for me no matter what, through light and darkness, through hardships and laughter. I'm indebted to them all my life, those will be my sisters and family, I've always taken them for granted, by switching all my focus to those who in reality didn't even matter. But I've realised my fault and have taken oath to change that part of me. Thus from today, I wouldn't make anyone else my priority and no one else going to get more attention than my family!

How I started off...

I started of this blog just merely following the trend, I was very much jealous of my friends who was pretty much famous and had very active social life. I was the person in class who focuses on studies and rarely goes out with friends, though I was good in exams back then, I still felt left out. Perhaps maybe, I started this off just to get a recognition among my classmates. As I've mentioned on my previous posts, if you've been following me you'd know how my posts has been lot more centric on myself than it is now.

I've always wanted to be accepted by this group of friends, as they'd go out together during holidays and I was the one who spent most her days attending tuition lessons instead of having fun. Mostly due to the fact that, my parents wouldn't permit me to be off alone all by myself. I wouldn't blame them, as they was rather protective of their daughter. But I was somehow jealous of them, well now walking through the memory lane, I just laughed it off. Cause all my life, I have longed to be accepted by people and actually done or rather copied whatever they did so that I'd be accepted, and thus my originality just vanished.

I remember I used to be so worried about my weight and used to starve myself in the name of diet, this was me as a teenager. I was so afraid that, someone would come up to me and tell me that I'm fat and I'd be quickly rejoiced if someone tells me that I've lost weight!  You could actually witness the million dollar smile on my face, that's how people's opinion mattered to me. I'm sure many out there, still trapped there and don't know how to get out from there. First and foremost, it starts off by believing that you're beautiful, gorgeous, smart and you'd always be, it starts off by looking at yourself in such way.

Today when I look back, I've come a long way, from focusing so much on what everyone's has to say, to now not giving a sh*t about their opinions. Cause, at the end of the day its you and only you that matters. I've came to realisation that you should only compete with yourself and no one else, be a better version of yourself. Even till today, I receive comments about the pimple scars on my face ( This was due to the extreme exam stress I went through few months back) and also sometimes about my weight. Instead of being hurt by the comment, I've learn accept it and actually explain to them why is it such. 

P/s : and If you receive a compliment, please don't hush it away. Acknowledge it with a Thank you :)

Life goes on..

It had been quite long since I wrote in here, I guess this has been a place where I only come when I'm feeling down or need a motivation. Because by writing, I'm not sure about you but I've always received the liberation from all the sorrows that my life is packed up with. This blog has been more of a note to self than just writing it for the sake of others.

Lately, my life hasn't been of what I've all imagined it to be. It had pretty rough, I didn't know I could fail in something that I had so much love for. Perhaps maybe I just didn't do well enough, which I could make sense out of. Nonetheless, I was given the second chance to get things right, this time around I gave everything I had, every single thing. Now, I'm just hoping that it will all turn out to be good, all I can say is that I've given my best to it. Failure isn't an option anymore, it would just crush me even further. That's not gonna do me any good, isn't? To tell you the truth, I'm completely worried and that only gives me sleepless nights.

When I look at the path I chose, or the choices I've made thus far, I had this sort of self-reflective moment with myself where I was able to analyse what really went wrong along the way. What really happened? Why is everyone is either using me or leaving me? Then I realized, it was me all the way. It was my fault, to have allowed someone else to use,discriminate,blame and many more, if I didn't allow them to do all that, it wouldn't have occurred, wouldn't it? This goes out to everyone out there, please don't give other person the liberty to hurt you and always remember that you should be your very own priority!

I've always (Not always though, during the first 2 years of blogging years I was rather descriptive of my encounters) written this blog in such way that I don't exactly tell what's really  happening in my life, tell it with a gloss covering it. Its just that I don't want to make my private life, social and even if you follow me on Facebook or Twitter it will just be the same. I'm sorry if it confuses some, but this is how its gonna be. 

Sometimes when I want to go back over a decision I've made, I'll come here to read all the previous posts and learn about what made me to reach such decision. My blog do help me out everytime and to me writing is the only medicine.