The ugly truth

Today I would like to confess a very ugly part of me, few years ago I actually thought I was somehow rather a saint due to this particular character of mine. Then, over the years, especially last couple of years, I realised that I was an idiot. Who would have imagined that I'd be writing this now right?

So yeah, I'm actually guilty of making certain people in my life as my priority and ending up in disappointment. Those people whom I have taken to be my family and where I consider their problems as mine & actually go all out to help them out. I might be bias when I'm saying this, cause those individuals are not in my life anymore, maybe the disappointment had made me speak in such manner. I might not have written this post, if they were still in my life. But when I say I've gone all out, I've done my best to make them happy and cheerful in order to forget their painful past.

I'm not sure whether this is my weakness or advantage, but if you're going through a hard time in your life, first of all I'd start by feeling for you and then eventually making your problems mine. This is where exactly the problems starts and eventually camps up in my life too! You know what hurts the most? Cause I'll be with this people at their very worst, but when I'm at my worst, no one ever shows up. Funny isn't it? Then I came to realisation that, I don't quite have real friends or those whom I consider to be my friend is just isn't real. Those whom I regard as family, don't look at me in such way, maybe it was just the play of words. Well, that reminds me how powerful word can be. That's why its often said that, words a sharper than swords cause it can kill people faster and further without any scars.

I had realised that I should focus on those, who have always been there for me no matter what, through light and darkness, through hardships and laughter. I'm indebted to them all my life, those will be my sisters and family, I've always taken them for granted, by switching all my focus to those who in reality didn't even matter. But I've realised my fault and have taken oath to change that part of me. Thus from today, I wouldn't make anyone else my priority and no one else going to get more attention than my family!

How I started off...

I started of this blog just merely following the trend, I was very much jealous of my friends who was pretty much famous and had very active social life. I was the person in class who focuses on studies and rarely goes out with friends, though I was good in exams back then, I still felt left out. Perhaps maybe, I started this off just to get a recognition among my classmates. As I've mentioned on my previous posts, if you've been following me you'd know how my posts has been lot more centric on myself than it is now.

I've always wanted to be accepted by this group of friends, as they'd go out together during holidays and I was the one who spent most her days attending tuition lessons instead of having fun. Mostly due to the fact that, my parents wouldn't permit me to be off alone all by myself. I wouldn't blame them, as they was rather protective of their daughter. But I was somehow jealous of them, well now walking through the memory lane, I just laughed it off. Cause all my life, I have longed to be accepted by people and actually done or rather copied whatever they did so that I'd be accepted, and thus my originality just vanished.

I remember I used to be so worried about my weight and used to starve myself in the name of diet, this was me as a teenager. I was so afraid that, someone would come up to me and tell me that I'm fat and I'd be quickly rejoiced if someone tells me that I've lost weight!  You could actually witness the million dollar smile on my face, that's how people's opinion mattered to me. I'm sure many out there, still trapped there and don't know how to get out from there. First and foremost, it starts off by believing that you're beautiful, gorgeous, smart and you'd always be, it starts off by looking at yourself in such way.

Today when I look back, I've come a long way, from focusing so much on what everyone's has to say, to now not giving a sh*t about their opinions. Cause, at the end of the day its you and only you that matters. I've came to realisation that you should only compete with yourself and no one else, be a better version of yourself. Even till today, I receive comments about the pimple scars on my face ( This was due to the extreme exam stress I went through few months back) and also sometimes about my weight. Instead of being hurt by the comment, I've learn accept it and actually explain to them why is it such. 

P/s : and If you receive a compliment, please don't hush it away. Acknowledge it with a Thank you :)

Life goes on..

It had been quite long since I wrote in here, I guess this has been a place where I only come when I'm feeling down or need a motivation. Because by writing, I'm not sure about you but I've always received the liberation from all the sorrows that my life is packed up with. This blog has been more of a note to self than just writing it for the sake of others.

Lately, my life hasn't been of what I've all imagined it to be. It had pretty rough, I didn't know I could fail in something that I had so much love for. Perhaps maybe I just didn't do well enough, which I could make sense out of. Nonetheless, I was given the second chance to get things right, this time around I gave everything I had, every single thing. Now, I'm just hoping that it will all turn out to be good, all I can say is that I've given my best to it. Failure isn't an option anymore, it would just crush me even further. That's not gonna do me any good, isn't? To tell you the truth, I'm completely worried and that only gives me sleepless nights.

When I look at the path I chose, or the choices I've made thus far, I had this sort of self-reflective moment with myself where I was able to analyse what really went wrong along the way. What really happened? Why is everyone is either using me or leaving me? Then I realized, it was me all the way. It was my fault, to have allowed someone else to use,discriminate,blame and many more, if I didn't allow them to do all that, it wouldn't have occurred, wouldn't it? This goes out to everyone out there, please don't give other person the liberty to hurt you and always remember that you should be your very own priority!

I've always (Not always though, during the first 2 years of blogging years I was rather descriptive of my encounters) written this blog in such way that I don't exactly tell what's really  happening in my life, tell it with a gloss covering it. Its just that I don't want to make my private life, social and even if you follow me on Facebook or Twitter it will just be the same. I'm sorry if it confuses some, but this is how its gonna be. 

Sometimes when I want to go back over a decision I've made, I'll come here to read all the previous posts and learn about what made me to reach such decision. My blog do help me out everytime and to me writing is the only medicine. 

Jars of hearts..

Sitting here having my coffee and actually thinking to myself that what wrong have I done to go through this whole thing? Then I realised where it went wrong, it was the choice I've made, it may sound very trivial but most of the times its the choices we make in our life decides what the future holds. So be very careful when you decide on something, especially something really big such as relationships, marriages and career, its not like there's no turning back but trust me it would be a very hard one as it involves emotions. I guess I love myself way too much yo put myself through this shit ever again, and I'm very happy that I took the decision. There lot of people out there who are still stuck there and not being able to decide, all I would say is that follow your heart, it will never be wrong. One more thing, don't ever get influenced with what others say, its your life so live it as you wish! There's no rush, you've got all the time in the world so stay calm & relax, grab a coffee and decide, please do think thoroughly. I'm actually listening to Jars of Hearts by Christina Perri, the lyrics suits my situation very well, I so feel them deep down! For example,  "You gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul so don't come back for me"  "I've grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms"  

P/S : I've learned to live half alive :)

Relationships

Relationships are like symbiosis where there is mutualism, parasitism and commensalism, often times I believe it should be more of a mutualism and obviously it should never be parasitism. What I mean by mutualism? When both of you complement each other, both encourages to do what each of you passionate about, understanding, not controlling or rather bossy over your better half, most of all you should love unconditionally. Parasitism as you very well know, when only one benefits and it feeds on the other leaving the other sad and exhausted.

Well, I'd say its very easy to actually lay things out here and in practice it might be the hardest thing of them all. Even life isn't easy then how can we expect relationships to be a piece of cake?! We must have been crazy to ever create fairy tales and fool our kids saying that the Prince Charming would come in a carriage or perhaps an Audi,BMW or even a BICYCLE to rescue them and they will live happily ever after! Trust me, I'm one of those kids who got fooled so you're not alone! 

Yes, relationships isn't easy and it requires lot of patience, most of all LOVE! Have you realised that when you first fell in love, everything was so beautiful and lovely, you were always on cloud nine and you would always be receiving gifts,flowers and surprise dates but as years passed everything just vanished into the air? Like a day can just go by you not conversing with each other but previously you used to hang on the phone with that person day and night. Surprising isn't it? As I've said earlier relationships should be based on mutualism and most importantly it should be continuous and everlasting! Most of all, don't even try to hold it too tightly to the point of suffocation, you should always let it free, for example birds are meant to fly high on the sky and not to be caged and that's what you should do with the one you love and not cage them up.

Everlasting? I guess that's something we don't experience nowadays or do we? If you are experiencing those things, consider yourself as lucky! Both of you should put in the effort and always remember it should never be placed on one person cause as years pass on they will just get tired and exhausted of trying to please you. Being brought up in an Indian family I've faced this a lot, that the men in the family is more often is regarded as the King and we have to serve them. This is totally ridiculous and I'm very much against it. I'm more of a person, if you expect me to cook for you, I would want you to cut the vegetables for me or even cook for me! Why not right?! If you want me to do the house chores, I would always demand for you to  help me out. That's how I am, there is no special treatments cause to me I'm not your servant, I'm your better half! So till I find someone like that I shall wait patiently! :)

I'm Finally Free

Have you ever felt this way? Like you've been confined and now suddenly now you feel like you have been released out of the tiny little space? I have been going through doubts and second thoughts about the decision I took recently, but then I realised why do i need something that held me tightly to the point where I was suffocating? And why am I even thinking about it over again? I know right, I shouldn't even brought it up but then the best way to get over certain things is to actually write abo
ut it and that is what exactly I'm doing right now. 

First of all, life is all about the choices we make. The choices we make whether its right or wrong shapes us to become a better person. Often times when we make a mistake and the next time you repeat it again its no longer called as a mistake, its a choice to allow yourself to go through the pain and suffering all over again. Life has always been care-free for me, I've always thought and wanted it to be like that without complications, even when I have problems I've learnt to handle it with much patience and rationality. 

Now even the thought of that I have given someone else the authority to rule my life for a certain period of time is killing me, even though now its all back to normal like it was before but still WHAT WAS I THINKING?! I was just completely STUPID to let someone else control my life but I guess its okay as this has thought me a lesson. A lesson that I would be carrying throughout my life; that no matter what put yourself FIRST! You are the only one who could direct and act your life out, no one else should be given the authority to do so. 

Anyhow, it was indeed a painful journey but has thought me tonnes of lessons. I thank God to have shown me the light at earlier phase so that I would not be so broken, even I am now but I have promised myself that I will get over it and I want to get over it! The processes that involves in getting over this is that to do whatever you have ever wished for or in other words fulfill your wish-list. I'm glad that I'm doing just that! Hopefully after this I would make the right choices so that I wouldn't have to go through this shit ever again.

P/S : I'm finally FREE and I'm loving it! :)

I would like to really Thank God for everything He have done to me and whatever He's going to in the future, I guess my life had been very much unpredictable as so many things I'm actually doing right now, I wouldn't even have dreamed of doing such things. As most of you know that my initial plan wasn't Law and my choice was very much diverse from law, which was Piloting. I mean from a Pilot to a Lawyer, who would have ever imagined that right? But I'm very much glad that it happened. Due to some unfortunate things, I wasn't chosen to be a cadet pilot but I would have definitely loved to become one. Anyway, I'm very much willing to take up flying as a hobby! Cause of this I decided to do my A levels just to prolong the thinking period cause I wanted to think it through and carefully as it involves my future and at the same time I didn't want to waste time sitting and rotting at home! and now finally I've made up my mind to pursue my Law degree, I've learned and enjoyed lot of things along this rough path and I'm very much looking forward for more surprises that life has stored for me, pretty much excited and trilled I would say! There is a good news I would like to share with all of you readers, that I'm chosen to take up Internship program with some parties, for some certain reasons I don't want to mention their name right here. I really hope this would be a good exposure for me and I'm pretty much looking forward to work with this people, hopefully I won't put them down under any circumstance. I hope God would give the strengths and courage to undertake this task, I can see this would be a hectic one but I'm willing to take up the challenge! Hopefully, I'd perform well! There's lot of plans in my mind for the future, hopefully everything would go through smoothly! *fingers crossed*